he can be, that’s why. One night after about seven Bloody Marys and a drink
that looks like avian vomit mixed in a blender, he looked up at the bar television
and saw, for the first time in his life, the plain and simple fact that he
had been ignoring all those years: every other sentient being in the entire
universe is an idiot. So, hey, he thought, why didn’t he run for office? If
America is willing to consider women, blacks, hippies, despots, transvestites,
psychopaths, criminals and stoners for President, why not a weasel? Sure,
he hasn’t killed anybody, but when he was sixteen he blew up a charity clothing
donation box, so that should be qualification enough.
Willy has spent most of his life in politics, four years of his life in the Presidential race, and seven years of his life in Microasia hiding from INTERPOL, so he has already come up with solutions for many of the world’s problems. Lemurs, for example. As the age-old problem goes, “What are lemurs for, anyway? You know?” Willy has solved this problem by giving a large number of lemurs jobs in New York City driving taxis, thus turning them into integral members of society. This is just one of many brilliant ideas Willy has come up with over the years. Unfortunately, every time the Liberal Media hears about one of his ideas they retaliate with programming secretly designed to cripple his mental capacity, such as Trading Spouses. This a blatant case of media corruption, and Willy intends to put a stop to it by whatever cruel methods he sees fit. (He’s going to make Rush Limbaugh run on a treadmill.)
Willy is also running because he’s a regular guy, just like you. He knows from long experience that you, Average Joe Boxer, hate politicians who break their promises. That’s why Willy hasn’t made any. Willy’s political direction once he’s in the White House will depend solely on whatever mood he’s in when he gets up in the morning. For example, he might, on a whim, wake up and decide that he wants to declare National Richard Nixon Origami Look-Alike Week. Or he might decide to nuke China. Every day is a surprise with Willy the Weasel!
Willy is in the race because he’s one of you. He’s a working class nobody just like you, with bills to pay, a boring nine-to-five job, and cheese-like stuff growing between his toes. The only difference between you and he is that he has little buttons with his picture on them. So, vote for the Weasel, friends, because You Know What You Will Get!