J. William Weasel (commonly known as “Willy the Weasel”) was born about two weeks before the dawn of recorded time, at 10:16 AM, into a small family of four hundred. His father, Gerald Weasel, Esq., was a famous and highly respected philosopher, and therefore unemployed. His wisdom and experience would later come to shape Willy’s whole political ideal until he came to realise that it was absolute crap that could never in a million years win him an election, at which point he sold it to Pat Buchanan.
After a long childhood struggle with oppression, he was forced to leave home at the tender young age of sixteen when a group of Korean people stumbled upon his den and ate everybody. With nowhere to go, he decided to enter the exciting world of politics, and so climbed the ladder by standing behind important people and applauding loudly whenever they finished talking. During that period he also took a part-time job at the political magazine Manifesto, where he spent nine years as Head Anarchist.
Unfortunately, at that time, Willy was struggling with his own personal hell. On January 9th, 1954 he formally announced that he had been diagnosed with a terminal case of bubonic plague. To that end, he began the Willy the Weasel Bubonic Plague Fund, and dedicated the next eight years to making bubonic plague a thing of the past, despite the fact that it already had been for many centuries. To this day, the fund has accumulated more than $65 in the form of voluntary contributions made by stupid people, which is just fifteen dollars short of it’s current goal, an total based on the amount of money Willy would have to embezzle to buy a large keg of beer.
Finally, in 1962, he died; however, as in the case of most politicians, this did little to impact his work. At this point, the radical sixties were beginning to get underway, so the only thing Willy remembers about this time is living in a Volkswagen Microbus with every species of louse known to man. He thinks that there might have been naked people involved somehow, but this is also how he used to picture Congress, so we can hardly take his word for it. Over the next few decades he became a fairly well known face in the world of serious politics and in 1995 made international headlines when he was elected by a private organization to present a gift to President Bill Clinton, which the Secret Service defused almost immediately.
Although admired in political circles, he is more famous for his extracurricular achievements. In 2001, working alongside talented Apple programmers whose job it was to run off and bring him Diet Sprite, he single-handedly invented the iPod. In 2004, acting on a hunch, he gave American soldiers the coordinates of Saddam Hussein’s hole (which sounds dirty, but isn’t). In 1999, on New Year’s Eve, he reprogrammed every computer in the world individually, thereby preventing the Y2K virus. In 2005, with the entire team unable to show up because they were out endorsing back pain products, he took the part of every single member of the Boston Red Sox and won the World Series in their name. In 1979, he hid in Deep Throat’s front pocket and advised him about optimal lighting conditions. In 1993 he tore down the Berlin Wall. In 1407 he painted the Mona Lisa. In 1599, working under the surname “Shakespeare” he wrote some truly horrid plays that he never happened to like which the public pretended to be interested in whilst they tried to decipher lines like “When onest did thou pass upon thy stair, you’st had envisaged ye foul being, O, but thine foul being wha’st not there! Forsooth!”, etc. In 1656, on an expedition to retrieve rare Far Eastern laxatives for the Queen of Spain, he discovered North America, which he then proceeded to flatten, one bowling alley at a time. In 480 he won a Newberry Award for his work on the Bible. In 20 000 B.C., he discovered the principles of fire, and, fifteen minutes later, the barbeque. Just yesterday, while twiddling a paper clip, he discovered a cure for cancer. With a track record like that, how can you afford not to Vote Vermin? So, vote for the weasel, friends, because You Know What You Will Get!