Dis mornin’, I got up and found dis here letter in my computer. I was, o’ course, suprised, cuz for the last four months I’ve been usin’ it as a coffee table. This was a letter forwarded to me by my good friend Willy, who contacts me once in a while ta tell me I should be actually doin’ somethin’ if I wanna be Deputy President. Dis letter, from Jim Bellingham, sez: “Why didn’t Willy pick Bill Clinton to be his running mate (Seems like a perfect match)?” Well, foist of all, I’m insulted! I’ve been workin’ my TAIL off on dis here campaign. I, uh… I… I refilled da water cooler! Now, I consider dat to be big, impoitant work for the Deputy President! Secondly, when you’ve been in da world as long as I have, ya notice a few things, and da kind of public attention that guy got is definitely not something that Willy’d wanna get attached to. And, after all, I’m less likely to wear Willy on a coat or use him as a bookmark or hold onto his tail an’ swing him around like a lasso or put him on the top of my head and run around in my underwear making airplane noises until the maid returns with my brain medication. An’ also, Bill’s book, upon closer inspection, is actually an advance copy of Harry Potter and the People Who are Trying to Take Over the World Again for Some Reason, the one where he gets his magical driver’s license but can’t afford ta pay for insurance. O’ course, he entered da news yet AGAIN a few weeks ago what with his medical condition, which I would actually list here if I had been payin’ attention. So, in response to yer question: Bite me! Also, recently I was on 20/20. Ya might have seen it on sometime if only it had been aired. But it was cancelled due ta the fact that the Japanese midgets had a hard time getting their act together. In replacement dey showed the foreign film, Tiny People Cause Pain, which was basically what they were going to show in the program anyway, only in more depth. My segment went something like this:

Barbara: Good night and welcome to 20/20, the show where we tell you about sex scandals and… Well, that’s pretty much it. And it is my sad duty to inform you that I will be leaving next week, due to the fact that I have a bitterly cold stare that can force any person to jump out in front of a court and yell “I confess! I killed him in the conservatory with the candlestick! Just for God’s sake stop looking at me like that!” in a matter of minutes and look like the science of plastic surgery backfired and actually made me look five hundred years older and that fact that, basically, I am a hideously deranged tramp with an attitude colder than an eskimo’s jockstrap.

Voice from Behind Camera: YES! That fortune cookie was right!

Barbara: And Stan the camera guy will be fired tomorrow. I am sitting here with well-known vermin, Ratko Rattan about his life next to the top candidate, Willy the Weasel.

Me: Well, let’s just say dat der was a lotta stuff that led up ta dat, but da main thing was dat dose peoples out der’ll get da best Deputy Predident ever!

Barbara: I have absolutely no idea what you just said.

Me: Neither do I.

Barbara: Well, thanks for being here.

Me: But I wasn’t done with—

Barbara: When we return, Low fat vs. Low carb: How stupid are you?

I just got dis new question on my computer, so I’ll answer it before I shut dis thing off for the night. Capital Market Meds asks, “Want the lowest prices on Microsoft Office software? WE HAVE THEM! Microsoft Virtual Mongoose $30 U.S.A. Sony digital nail gun 10% off; NOW $65! Nobody beats our prices! Oh, and we also are the ones that call you up at dinnertime and ask you to change political parties and the ones that give you ads about Superviagra and are indirectly linked to beings from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Order NOW!” Well, thanks for da offer, but I already got da Virtual Mongoose, and I’m afraid ta try it in fear that it’ll eat me. Well, don’t forget to vote for the Weasel and Deputy President Ratko, cuz you KNOW what you will get! (Blackout dates December 12 through January 9.)