By now, you’re probably wondering how I, Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer and Part-Time Surgeon, can master the ancient art of getting someone to cry like a little girl in front of an entire courtroom. The secret is simple: with a highly experienced legal mind, which has knowledge of all the “tips” and “tricks” that the “big boys” use as well as at least five different methods of getting from the centre of the court to the lavatory without technically leaving your seat.
For example, let’s consider this scenario:

DAVE TRAMMIS, YOUR INTERNET LAWYER: You are Mr. Arthur Paxton of 92 Chesterbiddle Crescent, correct?
DEFENDANT: Um, no... 92 Greensleeve Crescent.
DAVE TRAMMIS, YOUR INTERNET LAWYER: Then where is Chesterbiddle?
DEFENDANT: That’s the name of the victim.
DAVE TRAMMIS, YOUR INTERNET LAWYER (suspiciously): You seem to know an awful lot about this for an innocent person.

Just look how easily this defendant crumbled under my, Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer’s, intense legal pressure! In extreme cases I can even hold the defendant in a headlock and give him noogie after noogie until they tell us where they buried the rest of the body.

Although your mind cannot possibly understand the subtle complexities how the modern courtroom functions, I, Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer, have drawn this diagram to further illustrate my amazing knowledge of the legal system! Using my secret legal powers such as sticking little pins into a doll of the opposing lawyer I have for centuries been building up my mental strength for use in the judicial system. Every time I am appear in court I grow stronger! I barely even need the live human sacrifices anymore! If you don’t hire me I can kill you, using my expert legal power!
At this point, of course, all this may seem rather daunting. So, in order to help ordinary laypersons such as yourself, I, Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer, have also taken the liberty of preparing some simple charts which show my intense legal power! You are getting very sleepy!

By this point you might be thinking, “Wow! Dave Trammis, My Internet Lawyer is definitely on to something, and by hiring him willingly he will have no reason to enter my house at night and shove pinecones down my throat until I agree to sue somebody for something! But I have a good job with a nice income, a house in fairly good condition, and everybody I know is always nice! What can I sue anybody for?”
HANG ON! It is my, Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer’s, opinion that if people are being nice to you, it obviously means that they are plotting against you in some way! The only way to prevent being hit on the back of the head with a pipe and trucked, unconscious, to a remote cabin in southeast Alaska and being bathed in fish parts and set loose amongst a group of bears is to sue them for Possibly Considering Attempted Murder. And if you’re the sort of person who thinks their case will need evidence, just call my associates, Victor and Alfonse Alvonza. They’ll be more than happy to plant some evidence for you!
You have to remember, of course, that the legal world has only one rule: sue or be sued. And once you have a lawsuit directed at you, it’s only a matter of time before people are deliberately tripping and impaling themselves on your umbrella just so they can sue for five million dollars of their own. (Six million dollars if they thought it was a particularly ugly umbrella.) This has many practical applications as well. Consider this scenario:
Two neighbours, who we’ll call “Jeff” and “Dave”, are very similar people leading very similar lives who work together while their very similar wives “fool around” with dissimilar young men in front of very similar webcams for very similar websites which send out very similar spam emails advertising these very similar “B0RED H0usEWIfes%20%20”, which are read by the very similar Jeff and Dave and gives them a reason to stay and “work late” at their very similar jobs before returning to their very similar houses. And so the circle of life continues.
Jeff and Dave are both hard-working individuals competing for the same Big Promotion, and although they are equally qualified they each know by the eve of the Big Promotion that neither of them has climbed a single ring on the ladder of office status, even after having licked road salt off their employer’s boots upon request. They each therefore come to the conclusion that if they are to get the Big Promotion, the other one is going to have to be dead.
So that very night, they each crawl through each other’s kitchen window with rope and a hacksaw and prepare to tiptoe upstairs. Unfortunately, Dave’s kitchen has been designed in such a way that the kitchen sink is just below the window, and so Jeff slips, receives a direct blow to the crotch from the kitchen faucet, and collapses on the floor. Jeff subsequently sues Dave for the Mental Trauma caused by having to look at the little pink flowers on the kitchen floor pattern as he lay there bleeding to death, and their employer, seeing that Jeff is clearly a decision-maker, promotes him to a position that basically allows him to put up a calendar on the wall of his cubicle.

Just SEE how much fun everybody’s having with this new craze! So choose Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer, because YOU ARE IN PAIN!

We are lucky to live in a free, open democracy, which guarantees us several billion rights that we often take for granted, such as the right to annoy everybody else in a theatre by explaining how you heard the movie ends in a very loud voice. You will not find these rights in, say, filthy evil fascist vertically challenged communist China, which I can continue to call filthy, evil, fascist and communist on the basis that this page will be blocked by its residents’ computers because we used the word “democracy”. That’s the kind of right that separates us from the primitive hellholes in the rest of the modern world. That's right guys; we're talking about YOU.

Granted, of course, you can’t abuse these rights. You can’t, for instance, pull a gun on somebody in the movie theatre and shout “Don’t nobody move!” because you run the risk of that person being a member of some ethnic minority, and you would have to sit down and apologise at once for fear that they might sue you on basis of discrimination. Besides which, a movie theatre is not an ideal place to take a hostage because the second the audience notices your shadow blocking the bottom-left corner of the screen they will stone you to death with boxes of chocolate-covered raisins.

Luckily for you, you also have the right to sue whoever (or, as they say in England, “whomever”) you wish as long as you have been subject to Pain and Suffering. The term “Pain and Suffering” is such a generic one that it could mean virtually anything. Soon enough people will start suing NBC for showing episodes of Joey, which is well known to cause not only Pain and Suffering but Mental Trauma as well.

The overwhelming result of all of this is that people are suing the tar out of each other, and if they win they might just come back to sue the tar itself. And I say, get with the fad!

Hi, I’m Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer! I have been Your Internet Lawyer for over four thousand years, dating back to the first lawsuit in recorded history, when I successfully won the case and the defendant was sentenced to have his blood sucked out by giant bats! As you can tell from the row of perfectly aligned books behind me, the only kind that were left in the store when we were setting up for this commercial message were in ugly shades of red and green! Furthermore, you can tell that I am very well versed in written law, and although I have not, technically speaking, read all these books, I did skim over a couple and found that the magazine hidden in the second one was much more interesting if I held it sideways. I of course wish to stress that I read these magazines strictly for the legal information.

I, Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer, have appeared in nearly twenty courts in over fifty states, occasionally as a legal professional. I know all the tricks the “big boys” use, such as reverse psychology-induced confessions and sleeping with the witnesses! And if I don’t win your case, then I get to keep your money anyway! What use is it to you in prison? But, if you really feel that you can trust me and depend on me and leave your house to me in your will then I will be more than happy to visit you once a month and smuggle you some cigarettes in my mouth! I can even be your mail buddy. Once a month we'll write to each other and discuss what we'll do together once you "blow this joint".

And you can rest assured that I, Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer, will not rest until you get all the money you want, because you are in PAIN! Legally, I cannot guarantee you any amount of money, but I, Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer, personally see no reason for you to come out of this thing with anything less than a houseboat. Just listen to these professional actors who are obviously reading from a cue card just to the left of the camera!

“I had no idea that I was in Pain or Mental Trauma until Dave Trammis, My Internet Lawyer, convinced me that a cold I caught was actually the result of subliminal messaging printed on the back of my cereal box like this:


"Within fifteen seconds of looking at this box and sneezing at the same time, Dave Trammis, My Internet Lawyer, materialized in the chair in front of me and told me that I was in pain. I sued the manufacturer of my kitchen table for making it the perfect height to read said subliminal messages and won. I got over six million dollars in unmarked bills in a nondescript black briefcase the very next day! Thanks, Dave Trammis, My Internet Lawyer!”

“My child accidentally--uh, I mean maliciously and with intent to kill--threw a football at me and hit me in the eye! I was foolishly thinking of simply seeking medical assistance when out of nowhere a portal to Hell opened up in my backyard and from it emerged Dave Trammis, My Internet Lawyer! With his help I successfully sued my son for Assault Causing Bodily Harm and Attempted Murder and won nearly ten dollars and a bright orange yo-yo! The defendant meanwhile was sentenced to stay in his room with no TV for a month, although I am personally thinking of suing him again just because he got off so easily! Thanks, Dave Trammis, My Internet Lawyer, who is not manipulating my cold, lifeless body through any supernatural method whatsoever!”

These people got Justice, and so can YOU! Don’t make the foolish mistake of picking a cheap legal kit and being your own lawyer, because the defence could actually counter-sue you for having your eye there in the first place! As a highly experienced legal professional, I, Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer, feel that I, Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer, will be able to win any case you may be involved with under the defence as well, from arson (“Now, how can we prove that the house wasn’t like that when Mr. Stanfeld got there?”) all the way to picking your nose in public (“Now, how can we prove that, legally, that was Mr. Stanfeld’s finger?”)!

Just remember the time you tripped over the cat and fell down the stairs! I can sue the cat if you’d like! In fact, I, Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer, am so experienced under both defence and prosecution that I could even help you sue yourself if you wish!

I have never lost a case! I just put it down somewhere and can’t remember where I left it. Ha ha ha! That’s just a little lawyer joke, to show you that despite the fact that I look like a deformed potato that has mutated into a sentient being and developed a toupee, I am, technically, a human being! So call the toll-free number below and let’s start suing people immediately! In fact, don’t even bother calling a phone number. It’s a 555-, so it wouldn’t get through anyway! Whenever you want to consult with me, simply draw a pentagram on the floor and summon my legal advice!

You have the power!

Dave Trammis, Your Internet Lawyer

"He is the very model of a modern Major-General!"