Uncle Willy's Badly Designed Family Fun Page
All, right, children! Now, I know that by now some of your friends’ parents have decided to stop bringing their little snot-faced creeps to see Cheerful Uncle Willy, which means that very few of your little buddies could make it today. This is because certain fascist grown-ups do not want their little brats exposed to the harsh realities of life. Although I’m perfectly fine with that and not the in least bit bitter, I do feel the need to point out that these are people who think that tie-dye shirts look really “groovy”, so perhaps their judgement is not nearly as sharp as it was in, say, the 1840’s.
So, today Uncle Willy is going to tell you children about the most important factor in government. It is one that finances all of the programs that help you through your everyday lives, such as National Avocado Appreciation Week. I speak, of course, of taxation. Can anybody tell me what this means? No one? No, Jimmy, don’t bother putting your hand up: I’m not going to listen to your boneheaded guess this time. Just call me when you achieve sentience, okay?
Taxation is a process whereby your parents pay money to the government based on their income, property, business and possessions, and in return the government uses this money, as well as the money it gets from other people, to finance all of its departments, one of which will, ironically, send your Mommy and Daddy to prison if they do not fill out their forms correctly.
Although people often complain about taxes being too high, this is because they fail to realise that their taxes help to pay for many of the things they take for granted. Sunshine, for example. Yes, children, although I know many of you depict sunlight in drawings magnetically stuck to your fridge as being generated by a yellow glowing sphere, the sad truth of the matter is that the sun gave out about fifty years ago, since when it has been replaced by a top-secret nuclear-powered light-generating satellite. This satellite was of course constructed by American intelligence services during the 1950’s, which is why, although it is usually blamed on proximity to the Arctic Circle, certain northern parts of Russia are unable to get sunlight to this day. Hey, I’m in government. I know these things.
Again, let’s think of this in a way that even you can understand. So, Jimmy, I told you to bring your piggy bank today. Send it this way, please. Uh-huh. Thank you. What’s this? Dear God, is that a unicorn sticker? And why is the top covered in glitter? Jimmy, I think you should start watching manlier programming until you learn why you shouldn’t behave this way. After this lecture you can borrow my DVD set of Oz.
Anyway, children, you can clearly see that Jimmy has accumulated a total of twenty-eight pennies. Now let’s suppose that he had fifteen to start with, and got the last thirteen sometime over the previous year. Now, let’s say that he was planning to buy something that cost ten cents. So, let’s take ten cents away here. Okay, now Jimmy has eighteen cents. But, aha, due to taxation, he owes the government two more cents. So let’s take those away too.
Jimmy now has sixteen cents. But now we have to look at the question of where he got those last fifteen cents. Let’s say that over the last year Jimmy earned those fifteen cents by doing whatever it is he does, which from this angle appears to be picking his nose and eating the contents. So now he has to pay taxes on those fifteen cents. Let’s say that those amount to eight cents. So we take away eight cents, and that leaves merely eight cents in Jimmy’s piggy bank. Now, however, let’s say that the purchase of tweezers to remove a particularly nasty booger counted as a business expense. Jimmy does not have to pay this on behalf of his person; he does, on the other hand, have to pay on behalf of his nostrils, but for now let’s just keep this nice and simple. So we’ll put one penny back, which leaves Jimmy with nine cents.
But, let’s say that Jimmy owns a home. He now has to pay property taxes, so let’s deduct seven pennies. Now, the IRS, which has become very suspicious of the fact that Jimmy has only given them twenty-six cents’ worth of tax over the past year, decides to audit Jimmy, during which they take his remaining two pennies, like so, and throw him in jail, where he is forced to spend fifteen years as a footstool to a serial killer built like a Hummer.
And that’s essentially it! Thank you, Jimmy, for participating in this example! Yes, you were very good to do so! Very good, Jimmy! Ha ha! Give what back?
THE PROBLEM: Many people think that taxes are too high.
WHAT I AM GOING TO DO ABOUT IT: I will reveal to them the error of their ways, Christmas Carol-style, by showing them that if they do not shut up and pay their taxes, sometime in the near future they will be killed by a falling piano, and then a crippled person will die.
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