2020 2016 2012

For some stupid reason, this country keeps having elections. This is a bold American tradition that dates back years, possibly decades, to the very founding of the nation, when George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and some other wig-wearing sissy boys sat down and wrote the Declaration of Independence. I can't remember whether I was alive back then (the '60s took care of that), but if I was, I must have been aghast at what they were suggesting. The Declaration was all part of some haughty Communist plot to reject the rule of the rightful monarch and install some random American to take his place. In theory, this sounds great. The leader could be anybody. Ed from Accounting. Lady Gaga! Democracy!
Unfortunately, everyone was so focused on kicking Britain right in the crumpets that they never stopped to think about the core flaw in this idea: namely, that the leader could be anybody. I don't know about you, but I can name six or seven million people that I would rather not be President, starting with whoever invented those little pull tabs that just come off when you use them. Or the people who make that awful moulded plastic packaging that you can't get into without a blowtorch. There is a special place in hell for those bastards, and we, as a responsible people, can never allow them to run for office, although to be fair, they would probably have a pretty effective gun control plan.
However! That's all going to come to an end soon, my friends, because Willy the Weasel is here! I'm America's dream candidate: A high-brow, university-educated intellectual, and a regular Joe with good ol' fashioned family values and a string of felonies to his name. There's something there for everyone! I'm also chock-full of qualifications, including (but not limited to):

I'm the kind of guy America needs in charge, and this is a golden opportunity for ordinary people like you to put me in my rightful place. And I can absolutely guarantee that if you do, it'll be the last you hear of any so-called "democracy". This year, I'm not just running for President; I'm running for King of the United States! This exciting transition in leadership will create many new job opportunities, and you could be a part of it! For starters, just off the top of my head, I'm going to need people to gently fan me with giant feathers as I recline in my ornamental throne. That could be you! And even if it isn't, even if you aren't one of the lucky ones I pick, my Kingdom's revolving door employment policy means that as soon as one of them collapses from exhaustion, you might be one of the next lucky ones, or maybe even one of the grunts I use to drag out the corpses. The possibilities are endless!
My friends, I can't wait to take you on a rollercoaster ride of informed policy, climbing up the steep slopes of political difficulty, whizzing down the exhilarating slides into success and prominence, and occasionally depositing some chunks of insight into the barf bag of wisdom. So join King William I as he gets to the heart of some of the biggest issues facing the country today, starting with:

FOREIGN INTERFERENCE

It's been a sad few years to be an American in this country (America). It used to be that America went all around the world kicking ass. Some foreign government would do something we didn't approve of, like killing its own citizens or saying "aluminium" to confuse us, and we would march right in there and set things right, ready to dispense freedom and justice until the entire country was one giant, liberated smear on the ground. Occasionally, if there were any survivors, we would install our own, approved government and then leave them to their own devices, waving our goodbyes to a chorus of machine gun fire, with smiles on our faces and the satisfaction of a job well done. Yes, it was a brave, courageous and manly thing to do, but it was all worth it to rid the world of evil and help the people get back on their own two feet, or however many feet they had left by the time we were done with them.
That was how our great nation built itself up into one of the biggest superpowers in the world, right behind Google and McDonald's, and developed the hard, can-do attitude that you find in all those action movies where a courageous American basically picks up a gun and turns into a one-man terrorist-killing machine. The world saw us as a nation of tough-guy macho Marines, inflicting peace and justice on whomever we pleased. Many countries hated and feared us for it, but we just brushed it off, because we were the greatest nation in the world, goshdarn it, and they were a bunch of mud-covered farmers who would have to sell their whole families just to get one box of Cap'n Crunch. We pointed and laughed at them, tears in our eyes and orange corn pellets falling out of our mouths as they seethed in rage. It probably would have triggered World War III if they ever found out about Fruit Loops.
But things have changed. Now, instead of sending our manliest men overseas, we rely on drones. And thanks to the latest advancements in the tech sector, we can't even be bothered to do that ourselves anymore. If we want to kill somebody, we have to go to Amazon, find the right bomb, read all the reviews, hum and haw all day about whether to listen to the warnings in the one-star section, order it, remember to select the gift wrap option so it'll be a surprise, and then have their drones deliver it where it needs to be. Isn't that so pathetic? So sissy and wimpy? It really makes you miss the days when courageous, manly Americans would show up wherever they were needed to bravely shoot people in the face. (Although luckily, these days, we can still relive that golden era just by going outside.)
Now, it's one thing for us to lament our own failings like this, but the problem is that other governments have started to take note. As the West has begun to decline, hostile foreign powers have sought to interfere with our country, and even undermine our very democracy before I could get a chance to do it. America's enemies are becoming increasingly brazen and conniving, and it's time to put a stop to it. After having one President born in Russia and another installed by the Kenyans, Americans are looking for real honesty from their candidates, and that, my friends, is something that I am perfectly willing to provide.
As our nation's most honest candidate, I, Willy the Weasel, am more than happy to officially confirm reports, much speculated about in the press, that my campaign is backed by Satan. Now, a lot of people might feel a little disturbed by this, inasmuch as Satan has gotten a bad rap over the years. War, death, famine and pestilence may all be traditional foreign policy, but they tend not to do that well in the polls. That's why I'd like to take this opportunity to assure you that this is really nothing more than a case of bad PR. I've met Satan. He works at the DMV. He's a pretty good guy, the sort of guy who's just fun to have over for a barbeque. He even brings his own souls. Sadly, years of Christian propaganda have spoiled his image, but I think he'll make a great sponsor for my election campaign. My opponents, no matter what election we're talking about, are usually backed by oil companies, Zionists, the Illuminati, treacherous foreign powers like Norway, etc. Are those really any better than the Prince of Darkness? They don't even drive a motorcycle!
In addition, thanks to this sponsorship deal, the Campaign to Elect a Weasel is proud to announce, in partnership with Hell Industries, that we will be giving away free sins to everyone who votes for me. Doesn't life sound like it would be more fun with a bit of adultery? How about sloth? Everyone likes that! I'm offering you a once-in-a-lifetime deal, free for every Weasel voter! You don't even have to announce your vote in public; we'll know. A vote for me tends to linger in the conscience.

CONTAGION

This year, our country has been wracked with tragedy, right from the beginning. To the great relief of the nation, I personally managed to survive the Great Toilet Paper War of 2020 with only minor stab wounds. However, many others weren't so lucky: Thousands of bodies lay strewn across Targets and parking lots all over the country, and it only occurred to me later to call dibs on their stuff. Eventually we were able to sort out our problems and restore the balance of power, but it was really touch and go there. We were also close to having a much-feared "second wave" of shortages among the survivors, when it emerged that the more heavily-wounded ones now had a lot more places for it to come out of.
Now, we were prepared for this, as a nation. Every man, woman and child in this country knows that one day, they, too, are going to die in an apocalyptic catastrophe; it's just a matter of what kind. (That's why you should vote for me. I've got some good ones planned.) But our long-standing motto as of about February is to "Build Back Better," and that's precisely what we aimed to do. I myself drafted several innovative bills to this very end, although sadly I was never able to present them in front of Congress because the staff figured out how I was getting in.
One idea to this end is to forget the toilet paper altogether and instead use normal household objects, such as curtains, lampshades, the children, etc. Or, just look at your bookshelf. There's tons of potential toilet paper in there, starting with anything Oprah recommended. I know some bow tie-wearing weenies are going to get upset about this, but come on: Surely you don't need the complete works of Shakespeare? Richard III doesn't really need all those acts, does it? Some of them have to be filler. And I think we can all agree about A Midsummer Night's Dream, which has long been regarded as a gateway to drugs.
Another thing we can do is to use technology that I assume exists to make toilet paper out of normal household objects. Just take any hard object you don't need anymore, such as that fruitcake that's been at the back of the cupboard since 1996, and slice it up like processed cheese. Suddenly, you'll have a lot of new toilet paper, and maybe even some new infections. Hoorah!
So like I said, there were ways to deal with this problem. I'm sure that we, as a society, could have bounced back from this, and returned to our normal lives of working hard and hating the shit out of one another. But then.
While all this was going on, somewhere across the ocean, far from American eyes, China was happening. China is a foreign country full of foreigners (already a bad start) which dates back 5000 years this Tuesday, and made its name by inventing countless household items that the average person couldn't live without: the spoon, the wheel, the Taser, the Weed Wacker, the funny accent, etc. They also gave us Chinese food, which is as good a use for roadkill as any. In recent years, they've kept up this proud tradition by becoming the world's major manufacturing hub, with a special emphasis on plastic products such as yogurt. You can find the words MADE IN CHINA everywhere, because it's written proudly on every single thing they send to our country. This is how we can tell who the spies are.
China's latest invention is COVID-19, a virus that the critics routinely praise as "novel". The reason it's considered so innovative is that it spreads itself via 5G, a new science fiction-y network thing which beams Internet directly into your frontal cortex until spam starts dribbling out of your ears. There have been a lot of concerns about this, mainly from crackpot conspiracy theorists who imagine that it's pureeing their brains or something, but the medical experts are very clear when they tell us that "so far, all evidence suggests that hhhnnnnnggguiiighhhhhh." I think they're saying it's fine.
So now we have a catastrophe, and a virus coming along to finish us off. But luckily, we've got a strategy for that too. The world has changed a lot in the last few months, and it's all due to proven, effective tactics like:

Now, don't get me wrong. All of this is a good start. However, I think it doesn't go far enough. There comes a time when any King has to look down at his people (or, in royal lingo, "serfs") and act decisively to save them from their plight, even if he has to get out of his Jacuzzi to do it.
That's why I, Willy the Weasel, am calling for an all-out ban on COVID-19. We have been far too lenient for far too long, and it's way past time for this virus to pack its bags and go back where it belongs (which, from what I'm told, is the rectum of a bat or something). To help enforce this, I plan to impose tariffs on this, and any future virus that China tries to ship over here, taking advantage of the American people and undermining good old hard-working American diseases. I'm also thinking of building a tiny wall.

SOCIAL CAUSES

It is important, in these days of strife and turmoil, to stand up for some kind of cause, preferably one with an exaggerated name like Apocalypse Fighters, or a name that everybody already agrees with, like No Thongs For Men. In aid of these important issues, I, Willy the Weasel, the Candidate for Tomorrow and don't you forget it, hereby announce my wholehearted support for some kind of cause. I have been a passionate ally of some kind of cause for as long as it's been convenient for me, and you can too. Things have gone on the way they are for long enough, and it's high time that people like us stop dragging our heels and pledge our full support for this movement, in hopes that they don't set fire to our cars.
To explain why we need this kind of radical social change, consider the animal kingdom. Picture an antelope strolling across the savannah. Now, this antelope has a lot to think about. Yes, it has a full agenda for the day like anyone else, full of important antelope tasks like standing around. But it also has its own unique worries and difficulties in life, and it's become increasingly concerned about the hostility of its environment. It's worried that a vicious bloodthirsty lion might come to prey on it. It's worried that when it prances, all the other animals will think it's gay. And it's especially worried because this particular savannah is Savannah, Georgia, and it's about to be attacked by muggers.
Now picture one of those bloodthirsty lions. It also lives in the savannah, although it's known as the "King of the Jungle" because it's got a really PR-savvy agent. This lion just lazes around all day, drinking beer and scratching itself, while the women do all the actual work. (Typical! Am I right, important female demographic?) And yet, he's still got problems of his own. According to a nature documentary I think I kind of remember, the male lion's job is to have sex with the females about 200 times a day, and if he doesn't perform, it can lead to domestic violence. That's a lot of pressure for a guy to be under. You try being married to a 400-pound bodybuilder who oozes so much testosterone that she could probably make you pregnant, and then explaining to her, as she cracks her knuckles and glares menacingly in your direction, that you'll be ready for round 64 in just two or three more days. And so, naturally, the lion feels emasculated. Whipped. Useless. Devoid of purpose in his life. This is when he decides to buy a convertible. Within two hours, he is at a dealership, testing out sports cars with a salesman whose comb-over could shelter the Superdome.
Yes, it's a very sad life for the male lion. But because we're still pretending that this analogy is going somewhere, let's switch focus to the females, and contrast the two cases above: On the one hand, you have a shivering, pathetic creature whose life consists of standing around and pooping, and Mother Nature has decided, because she's a massive bitch, to make it the favored Hungry-Man TV dinner of a gigantic vicious carnivore. Entire packs of lions like to stalk antelope on the savannah, gnashing their teeth menacingly and spray-painting gang symbols on any available trees. When they hear the word Go, they run at fantastic speed, taking the herd of antelope by surprise. They fell their targets, and bring the carcasses back to the pride, where they find a fleet of brand-new Corvettes, and come to the conclusion that there's going to be a lot more blood shed than they thought tonight.
The animal kingdom is a very unfair place. But it doesn't have to be! What if, instead of just letting the poor, innocent antelope get killed, we outfitted them with firearms? We could go even further, and deliberately maim some of the lions so that it would be hard for them to hunt. This would introduce more equality into the situation, provided that we're using the modern definition of "equality", meaning things turning out the way I want them to.
This is the kind of bold new social change that I can really get behind. I have a whole list of people that I'd like to get justice on, preferably with a flamethrower, and now's the opportunity to make that dream a reality. That's why I believe it's time for everybody to join some kind of cause, so that we can all make the world better together. The fact that the world has gotten immeasurably worse since we started doing this is purely a coincidence.
One of the more useful innovations in the last few years is what's come to be known as "cancelling". It's an especially good tool in the political sphere, because all you have to do is pick someone who annoys you and accuse them of being something that our tolerant society finds absolutely disgusting and abhorrent and unacceptable, like a New Yorker. And of course, it's possible they've never been to New York City in their lives, but that doesn't have to stop you. Thanks to the wonders of modern grievance technology, top scientists in the field of assholery have discovered the microaggression, which is an aggression so small that it can only be seen by the person bitching about it. What this means, in essence, is that you can make your career-ending accusation without needing any basis at all! You can just go through everything they've ever said or done, and find things which symbolize New Yorkism: spitting in the street; driving with their middle fingers permanently extended, to save time; putting out their cigarettes on the homeless; etc. They'll be out of a job in no time! I find this particularly useful when journalists ask me probing political questions about what those screams coming from my basement are.
But that's not all. Take the fight for racial equality (there's that word again), which has provided a lot of benefits for society in recent years, such as free televisions. One bold new advance that I can get behind is historical revisionism, which allows you to completely erase anything from history that is inconvenient to you. This is most easily exemplified by the destruction of civil war statues, usually of men who were so primitive and backward that they lacked even the common decency to have views that were 150 years ahead of their time. In a great stride for freedom and equality (take a drink), we, the people, have taken the first step towards wiping these disgusting figures from history, a move which I wholeheartedly applaud. I myself have had some very racist income in the past few years, but I decided to do the right thing and omit it from my tax returns. It's the least I can do for progress.

MISINFORMATION

One of the biggest problems facing America today is the spread of misinformation. Just consider some of the outrageously stupid things that some Americans actually think:

This list goes on and on, and it exemplifies a huge problem with modern society, namely that people have custard for brains.
However, the real problem is how things got this way, and it has to do with the decay of all intellectual authority. You see, we used to have authority figures who we could all look up to as experts in their field. The Pope, for example. If the Pope said that God had told him to declare a crusade against, say, Cleveland, you would believe him. He's the Catholic Church's head honcho, the main man, the guy who's got God Himself on speed dial and a hat that can take out the ceiling fixtures. You could trust the guy, because he's an authority on what he does.
But these days, how can you trust any authority? Chances are, they're either lying to you, or (and this is worse) they seriously believe what they're saying. The whole world is filled with crackpots with stapled-on TV hair, or half an alphabet after their name, or those rectangular thick-rimmed glasses which radiate a level of smugness that has been shown to vaporize laboratory rats. Are these really the people we want to listen to? When we could be listening to me? I think not!
There are so many kinds of idiot these days that you could write your own crackpot-spotting guide, which by total coincidence is what I've done. Here are just some of the kinds of people who have now been completely discredited:

And, of course, the biggest idiots of all are smart people, who, from all appearances, seem to actually believe these lunatics. It's amazing how many people have been suckered into thinking the stupidest things imaginable just because some authoritative-sounding moron said them. And I want a piece of that.
Introducing WeaselNews! WeaselNews is the official organ of the Disease-Ridden Vermin Party, and a bigger organ you'll never find. We cover all the issues, including the ones that the so-called "mainstream media" won't tell you about, because they don't get the secret CIA transmissions that I pick up on my fillings. And better yet, not only does WeaselNews give you all the facts, but it'll even tell you who to blame! This is in direct contrast to our competitors, who always lazily point the finger at the White House just because it's run by a children's cartoon character. For example, here's an excerpt from a standard weather forecast:

YES, HERE'S WHY THE WEATHER, AND THAT'S A GOOD THING

This Sunday, there will be a cold front sweeping through from the north, sending temperatures plummeting as low as -18° F and making everyone it touches look like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. However, some have asked, in the most leading manner possible, is enough being done?
"Sure as shit it isn't," said Dr. Prof. Robert Shinkleboner, PhD, resident scholar of some kind at the University of His House. Shinkleboner has over fifteen prestigious degrees, many of which he gave himself, and is highly regarded by others in his field as a warning against improvising your own medication.
"Cold air comes from up north, in that Commie country," Dr. Prof. Shinkleboner told WeaselNews. "And like everyone knows, there's nothing really up there. There's just snow and ice and a bunch of people in igloos, which are basically stay-fresh Tupperware containers for polar bears. But here's the thing: Polar bears die when global warming happens. And everything's getting colder, right? So that means there must be way too many of them up there. Personally, I'm thinking napalm."
Dr. Prof. Shinkleboner went on to suggest direct military action against the polar bear menace, but warned against the use of ballistic missiles for fear that the U.S. might deepen tensions with Santa Claus.

Doesn't that feel like a breath of fresh air? We've even covered all the bases you can expect to find with your own local paper: The narcissistic lifestyle columnist who makes everything about herself; the ideologue business correspondent who fully expects the free market to fix everything, up to and including his toilet; the trendy makeup columnist who writes a thousand words a week on all the various techniques you can use to look like a Thai hooker; the showbiz correspondent who pretty much just makes stuff up, resulting in enormous pictures of angry-looking celebrities with headlines like "PORTIA TELLS ELLEN: QUIT EATING MY POODLES!"; etc. With WeaselNews, you're guaranteed a full-featured editorial experience, with only as much lying as you would be getting anyway.
This new, innovative outlet will undoubtedly pave the way for future lawsuits, and as the Editor-in-Chief, I can't wait to embark on this promising foray into journalism with all of you. And, of course, this is in addition to a plethora of other titles, including President, King, Reverend, Surgeon-General, Master of Ceremonies and Occupant. My friends, I am the most qualified candidate ever, America's only hope, with a clear vision for the future and a winning smile that frightens small children. A vote for me is all that stands in the way between peace and destruction, order and chaos, life and death itself!
It must be true. It said so on the news.