Disease-Ridden Vermin Party

 

The Disease-Ridden Vermin Party, commonly called DRV by people who have been involved in machete attacks and now have limited mouth movement, began in 2004 as a moneymaking ploy to support the self-sufficient and now aborted movement, the Campaign to Elect a Weasel. After it became clear in December of 2004 that they had failed to even get 1% of the vote, Campaign leader Willy the Weasel and running mate Ratko K. Rattan organised a group of supporters, initially called the Rodent Alliance, that they could blame if something went wrong.
Since then, the DRV Party has grown, acquiring new supporters, members, restraining orders, etc. Take a look at some of these figures:

 

32
1064.35
1995

 

And there are plenty more where those came from!
The thing is, you don’t get a full idea, just from these figures, of what the DRV Party is doing in your neighbourhood. The DRV Party likes to play a prominent role in small communities, particularly with troubled youths. Even as you read this, our representatives are out there with troubled youths, taking them to the zoo, talking to them both as friends and therapists, and accidentally running them over with steamrollers, because when you think about it do you really want troubled youths strutting around your neighbourhood? Of course not! There’s nothing more likely to bring down the property value of your home than troubled youths strutting around the place, except of course for that time the elderly couple next door began sunbathing naked.
DRV Party representatives also help out at many community support groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, using the same basic methods exemplified by people in commercials for Christian Children’s Network. For example: “An alcohol addiction? AN ALCOHOL ADDICTION? You think that’s a problem? Every night millions of starving African children go to bed hungry while you chow down on Big Macs with a triple helping of fries and then go home to drink cheap plonk directly out of the bottle! How would you like to be a poor little African orphan, huh? How would you like to sleep in your own feces every night, knowing that somewhere out there there’s a jerk who lives in a nice, cozy apartment and can afford McDonald’s and champagne and a personal masseuse, you selfish, egotistic, miserable BASTARD! ‘Oooh, I drink too much fine wine! Oooh, if only I hadn’t had that lobster soufflé, it appears not to have gone down too well with my bottle of 1873 cabernet! Perhaps I should call the butler in with my imported Swiss antacids!’ Well, enjoy those antacids, you egocentric son of a bitch, because there are people out there eating their own skin while you drive around town in your fancy German car trying to decide between seven French restaurants! I hope you’re pleased with yourself, you vicious, deceitful, impotent PERVERT!” They’ll be hitting the bottle again in no time, thus supporting local wineries and the very economy itself. Hurrah!
Yes, the DRV Party is doing wonderful things in your community, and it’s time that you began to support them. Well, technically speaking, you already have. From the moment you clicked to this page, our elite team of superhackers have been scanning your computer for any interaction with banking websites and should have, by the time you finish reading this, transferred your entire life savings into our accounts as a “donation”.

 

Nice doing business with you.