Got a question? ASK A WEASEL! Pose the question you are pondering on the “automatic ask-a-weasel” hotline, press the “ask” button and shortly Willy will pontificate on your problem. Best of all, you can ask anonymously! We will not divulge your identity or your whereabouts, unless it’s a really good offer!

Well, my friends, we are approaching the end of the sixth year of this millennium. Of course, I have probably forgotten to update this page for a long period of time again, in which case I wish you all a:

HAPPY 2010!

Wow! What a time that was, nine years into the New Millennium! Can you believe Hillary Clinton is still President? What a tramp! And frankly, those reports about what she does in her spare time are utterly disgusting. If they turn out to be true then somebody please explain to me how exactly she smuggled that goat past the Secret Service. Frankly, I think if she misuses the word “decimalise” one more time she should be locked in a prison cell for several years, during which she will have no choice but to go over all the previous inmates' graffiti and correct their grammar until she learns the error of her ways. I am, however, by no means suggesting that this method be taken, because then we'll be stuck with Vice President Philbin.

Anyway, drifting aimlessly back towards reality, it's time again to Ask a Weasel. After all, we are now in full swing for 2008, as all serious candidates should be. Many amateurs have waited until mere months before the actual election to announce their candidacy, and all have failed to make any progress whatsoever as a result. Of course, in 2000 Captain Morgan won the state of Louisiana, but expert analyst Tim Russert dismissed this as “Just a coincidence”.

I happen to know from long experience that the voters don't care about serious issues such as abortions, gay marriage and getting Jon Lovitz off Subway commercials. Normal, everyday voters such as yourself only ask deeply personal questions about my character, such as “What's your favourite soft drink?” Although these questions have no political significance, I feel it is important to answer anything my fellow people ask of me, except of course for all those spam emails I get asking if I want a longer erection. Although I refuse to answer these questions personally, I am always curious as to how they can mail me a longer erection. Would the UPS box need special stickers?

Our first question comes to us from John Reed in Buffalo, New York, who asks, “If you were elected President, what place would God serve in your political agenda?”

Well, John, as you probably know already, God is a close personal friend of mine, dating back to the time we roomed together back in college. Unfortunately, we had a major falling out around the time of graduation, inasmuch as I was always leaving bits of my fur embedded in bath soap and he was secretly dating four of my sisters. Therefore, God will have no place in my government, and if he tries to worm his way in then I will do something unspeakable on the front seat of his Ferrari. If you have any more questions about God, please direct them to his voicemail, and be sure to mention the Jon Lovitz thing.

John Reed of Cleveland, Ohio, who is a completely different John than the John Reed in Buffalo, asks, “If you were leading the assault on Iraq, what would you have done differently?”

Well, John, I would probably change the word “Iraq” to “Aspen”. I don't care if we own it; I want a free skiing holiday!

John Reed of Detroit, Michigan asks, “There are thousands of illegal aliens working in the US. How do you intend to identify them? I am a different John Reed than both John Reeds above.”

Well, John, I was thinking about giving them nametags.

John Reed of Hull, which is a town somewhere in Ontario or Quebec or Scandinavia or something, asks, “What happens if I wish to donate some money to your party? Also, I lost my wallet two months ago and I think some people are using my identity.”

Well, John, donations are a tricky thing. If they are done the right way, they can be a godsend for a party, whereas if they are done the wrong way (as they usually are), they can merely look like bribes.

Essentially what a party needs to do if it wants to keep its donated funds is to look like it doesn't really need the cash. (“What, this? This $43,000 is really nothing more but loose change. We already have one; might as well throw it away.”)

However, if I am elected President, all this will change. Any amount of money you donate to the party over twenty thousand dollars will go directly to the government, and you will be eligible for a spiffy new title, such as “Governor of California”. This system ranges from mediocre titles such as this to really good titles, such as “Secretary of State”, which cost upwards of $48 million. This is by no means a form of bribery: anyone who donates this money will simply be getting a nice reward in return for slightly reducing the average citizen's taxes. They also make great stocking stuffers come Christmastime. (“Look, Mommy! Santa made me the Duke of Iowa!”)

Just imagine: If all these large corporations were “sponsoring” the federal government, the average citizen's taxes would actually go significantly lower and stay in the same position for quite a while, like a stripper in a limbo dance. It would also be a great incentive for illegal immigrants. Be an American citizen! Only $6.95 a year!

Until then, John, if you wish to donate any money to the DRV Party, all funds you give us will merely go to finance our campaign. Please leave the money in a black nondescript suitcase in the alley behind Fourth Street. How does Ambassador to Hull sound to you?